You’re both tired. The children are light sleepers. You are not satisfied with your weight. You are stressed because of the pressure of deadlines at work. There are many reasons why people in long-term relationships reach for the pillow or remote control after sunset instead of their partner’s body.
But a healthy sex life is an important part of an intimate relationship, and neglecting it can drive you further apart.
The solution: make it more exciting
“When you’re in a long-term relationship, you get into a routine,” says ob-gyn Renee Horowitz, founder of the Center for Sexual Wellness in Michigan. “There is biological evidence that new experiences trigger the release of dopamine in the brain.” Dopamine is a chemical messenger that affects the pleasure center in your brain. “That’s why it’s so much easier,” says Horowitz, “to get excited in a new relationship: everything is new and your brain responds accordingly.”
Obviously, you can’t switch partners every time the excitement wanes. But you can change some other factors. “Try another place, another time, another position,” says Horowitz. Have a morning quickie. Try sex in the shower or in another room in the house.
The solution: Take a romantic vacation
All couples are tired at the end of a long day. And it’s hard to have the energy for romance by the time you get everyone to bed and chores done. But that can be changed.
“You have to prioritize what’s important,” says sex educator Sadie Allison, whose bestselling books include Ride ’em Cowgirl! And Stimulate your imagination, say. “No matter how tired you are, it’s okay to have a quickie every now and then. Sex is so important to the overall health of your relationship.”
Instead of waiting until it’s time to turn out the lights, take a break for a romantic encounter before tackling the evening’s chores, says Allison. “Make space and time where you can escape, and be creative.” She says it won’t happen spontaneously. “You have to find the time and make an appointment.”
The solution: rediscover each other – without pressure
If you haven’t had sex in a while, a come-on from your partner can feel very artificial and forced. It helps to reconnect in a non-sexual way first, says psychotherapist Christina Steinorth. “If you haven’t had any kind of quality time together, you’re not going to feel sexual,” she says.
Steinorth says it’s important to mix it up: ditch the old “dinner and a movie” cliché and opt for something new, and make it a priority on your calendar. “Schedule time for a date night every week. [Try a] shared experience: cycling, bowling, something crazy. Plan a trip to the farmers market and a stop for a cup of coffee every Sunday morning. Let it become a habit,” says Steinorth, “and you will feel connected again. The desire will only grow from there.”
A quick sexual encounter can become exciting again once you reconnect. “When the relationship is that alive, the ten-minute ‘let’s sneak out and do it’ quickie works great,” says Steinorth. “It’s like your little secret and helps build the bond between you. But that bond has to be there in the first place.”
The solution: Focus on what you do enjoy
Many of us have things we would like to change about our bodies. Maybe you never lost the baby weight, or you’re not happy with the way you stopped going to the gym.
“Ultimately, low self-esteem comes down to not being in love with yourself,” says Allison. “And if you don’t love yourself, you won’t share yourself with anyone else. Besides therapy for low self-esteem, you can try to find things about yourself that you do like and focus on them sexually.”
Or focus on your partner’s body instead of your own. “What do you like about the person you’re with? What about his or her body turns you on?” Allison asks. This way you can shift the focus from your own insecurities to what makes being together fun.
The solution: Don’t suffer in silence
Sometimes it’s not that you don’t feel like it; it’s that your body doesn’t cooperate because sex is painful. This can be a big problem for women approaching menopause, and you may feel too embarrassed to tell your partner.
“As we age,” says Horowitz, “estrogen levels decline, and this affects many organs, including the vagina. When tissues atrophy and thin, losing some of their blood supply, intercourse becomes more painful.”
Fortunately, there are remedies for painful sex. For many patients, Horowitz prescribes vaginal estrogen. Vaginal lubricants are also available without a prescription. But consult your doctor if the pain persists. This way your doctor can rule out other, potentially more serious conditions that could be causing this.
The solution: find the cause
A declining libido can be more than just a sign of aging. It could be a sign of another health problem. For example, depression, anxiety, and hormonal imbalances can all contribute to sexual dysfunction. In men, inability to get an erection can be an early warning sign of diabetes or heart disease. And some medications, including antidepressants and blood pressure medications, can decrease your sex drive.
Behavioral problems can also hinder your ability to have sex. Smoking and excessive alcohol consumption can undermine sexual response. Even the way you exercise can be a factor. For example, too much time on the bike can lead to problems in bed. That’s because the pressure placed on the pudendal nerve and artery can reduce blood flow to that area.
There are solutions to these problems. Share your concerns with your healthcare provider, who can help you explore what alternatives you have.
Also make sure you get enough sleep. Feeling well rested can help.
Whatever the reason for your decreased desire, it will take some effort to get back on track sexually with your partner. “Sex takes work, and you have to focus on it just like everything else in your relationship,” says Horowitz. “There is no magic pill.”
