It’s the rare couple that doesn’t hit a few bumps in the road. However, if you recognize in advance what those relationship problems may be, you have a much greater chance of getting over them.
While every relationship has its ups and downs, successful couples have learned how to roll through the bumps and keep their love lives going, says marriage and family therapist Mitch Temple, author of The wedding cover. They stick around there, tackle problems and learn how to deal with the complex problems of everyday life. Many do this by reading self-help books and articles, attending seminars, going to counseling, observing other successful couples, or simply through trial and error.
All relationship problems stem from poor communication, according to Elaine Fantle Shimberg, author of Merging families. “You can’t communicate while checking your BlackBerry, watching TV or browsing the sports section,” she says.
Problem-solving strategies:
- Make an actual appointment with each other, says Shimberg. If you live together, put the cell phones on vibrate, put the kids to bed, and let voicemail answer your calls.
- If you can’t “communicate” without raising your voice, go to a public place like the library, park, or restaurant where you would be embarrassed if someone saw you yelling.
- Set some rules. Try not to interrupt until your partner has finished speaking, or forbid phrases like “You always…” or “You never…”
- Use body language to show that you are listening. Don’t scribble, look at your watch, or pick your nails. Nod so the other person knows you understand the message, and rephrase if necessary. For example, say, “What I hear you saying is that you feel like you have more chores at home, even though we are both working.” If you are right, the other person can confirm it. If the other person really meant, “Hey, you’re a sloppy slob and you’re creating more work for me by having to work after you,” then they can say that, but in a nicer way.
Even partners who love each other can be a sexual mismatch. Mary Jo Fay, author of Please, baby, not tonight, says a lack of sexual self-awareness and education makes these problems worse. But having sex is one of the last things you should give up, says Fay. “Sex,” she says, “brings us closer together, releases hormones that help our bodies both physically and mentally, and keeps a healthy couple’s chemistry healthy.”
Problem-solving strategies:
- Plan, plan, plan. Fay suggests making an appointment, but not necessarily in the evening when everyone is tired. Maybe during the baby’s Saturday afternoon nap or a “quickie before work.” Ask friends or family to take the kids for a sleepover every Friday evening. “When sex is on the agenda, it increases your anticipation,” says Fay. Changing things up a bit can also make sex more fun, she says. Why no sex in the kitchen? Or by the fire? Or standing in the hallway?
- Find out what really turns you and your partner on by having each of you create a personal “sexy list,” suggests California psychotherapist Allison Cohen. Swap the lists and use them to create more scenarios that will excite you both.
- If your sexual relationship problems cannot be resolved on your own, Fay recommends that you consult a qualified sex therapist to help you address and resolve your issues.
Money problems can arise even before the wedding vows are exchanged. For example, they can arise from the costs of courtship or from the high costs of a wedding. The National Foundation for Credit Counseling (NFCC) recommends couples with money problems take a deep breath and have a serious conversation about finances.
Problem-solving strategies:
- Be honest about your current financial situation. When things have gone wrong, it is unrealistic to continue the same lifestyle.
- Don’t approach the subject in the heat of the moment. Instead, set a time that is convenient and non-threatening for both of you.
- Recognize that one partner may be a saver and the other a spender, understand that there are benefits for both, and agree to learn from each other’s tendencies.
- Don’t hide your income or debts. Bring financial documents to the table, including a recent credit report, pay stubs, bank statements, insurance policies, debts and investments.
- Don’t blame.
- Draw up a joint budget that includes savings.
- Determine which person is responsible for paying the monthly bills.
- Give each person the freedom to be independent by setting aside money to spend as they see fit.
- Set short- and long-term goals. It’s okay to have individual goals, but you should also have family goals.
- Talk about caring for your parents as they grow older and how you can appropriately meet their financial needs if necessary.
Most partners work outside the home and often have more than one job. So it’s important to divide labor fairly at home, says Paulette Kouffman-Sherman, author of Dating from within.
Problem-solving strategies:
- Be organized and clear about your respective duties around the house, says Kouffman-Sherman. “Write down all the jobs and agree who will do what.” Be honest so that resentment does not arise.
- Be open to other solutions, she says. If you both hate housework, you may want to hire a cleaning service. If one of you enjoys housework, the other partner can do laundry and gardening. You can be creative and take your preferences into account as long as it feels fair to both of you.
If you want to keep your love life going, focusing on your relationship shouldn’t end with you saying, “I do.” “Relationships lose their luster. So make yours a priority,” says Karen Sherman, author of Wedding magic! Find it, save it and make it last.
Problem-solving strategies:
- Do the things you did when you were first dating: show appreciation, compliment each other, check in with each other throughout the day, and show interest in each other.
- Plan date nights. Schedule time together on the calendar just as you would any other important event in your life.
- Respect each other. Say ‘thank you’ and ‘I appreciate…’. This lets your partner know that he/she matters.
According to New York-based psychologist Susan Silverman, occasional conflict is a part of life. But if you and your partner feel like you’re starring in your own nightmare version of the movie Groundhog Day — That is, the same bad situations keep repeating day after day – it’s time to break this toxic routine. If you make the effort, you can reduce anger and calmly look at the underlying problems.
Problem-solving strategies:
You and your partner can learn to argue in a more civil, helpful way, says Silverman. Make these strategies part of who you are in this relationship.
- Realize that you are not a victim. It is your choice whether you respond and how you respond.
- Be honest with yourself. When you are in the middle of an argument, are your comments aimed at resolving the conflict, or are you seeking revenge? If your comments are accusatory and hurtful, it’s best to take a deep breath and change your strategy.
- Change it. If you continue to react in the way that has brought you pain and unhappiness in the past, you cannot expect a different outcome this time. Just one small shift can make a big difference. If you usually jump in to defend yourself before your partner finishes speaking, wait a moment. You’ll be surprised how such a small shift in pace can change the entire tone of an argument.
- Give a little; get a lot. Apologies if you’re wrong. Of course it’s hard, but just try and see how something great happens.
“You can’t control someone else’s behavior,” says Silverman. “The only one in your charge is you.”
Trust is an important part of a relationship. Do you see certain things that make you not trust your partner? Or do you have unresolved issues that prevent you from trusting others?
Problem-solving strategies:
You and your partner can develop trust in each other by following these tips, says Fay.
- Be consistent.
- Be on time.
- Do what you say you will do.
- Don’t lie – even white lies to your partner or to others.
- Be honest, even in an argument.
- Be sensitive to the other person’s feelings. You can still disagree, but don’t discount your partner’s feelings.
- Call when you say you want to.
- Call to say you’ll be home late.
- Carry your fair share of the workload.
- Don’t overreact when something goes wrong.
- Never say things you can’t take back.
- Don’t dig up old wounds.
- Respect your partner’s boundaries.
- Don’t be jealous.
- Be a good listener.
Even though there will always be problems in a relationship, Sherman says you can both do things to minimize, or even avoid, marital problems.
First of all, be realistic. Thinking that your partner will meet all your needs – and be able to conceive them without you asking – is a Hollywood fantasy. “Ask directly for what you need,” she says.
Then use humor – learn to let things go and enjoy each other more.
Finally, be willing to work on your relationship and really look at what needs to be done. Don’t think it would be better with someone else. Unless you address the issues, the same lack of skills that are holding you back now will still be there and will still cause problems no matter what relationship you are in.
