Clinging to previous romantic relationships creates feelings of distrust and can hinder an otherwise promising relationship. So are you wondering if your sweetheart’s heart still rests in the hands of a past love? There’s no way to know for sure without talking to your partner about your concerns. But how do you know when you need that conversation? Here are 10 signs it’s time to bring it up.
We all compare our current romance to ones we’ve had in the past, and the occasional reference to an old regular isn’t a cause for alarm. “But,” says marriage and family therapist Joan Sherman, “if it happens 24 hours a day, it’s a problem. It will keep both of you from enjoying the new relationship.
Sherman says that hearing every detail and story about the previous relationship is probably a sign that your partner hasn’t moved on.
Silence about a former lover can indicate a lack of closure. Feelings of guilt about carrying a secret torch often prevent someone from wanting to talk about their ex. If you notice that your partner is afraid to bring up the ex, or if your partner is feeling tested and it’s becoming a sore point, Sherman says, it’s time to ask why.
Whether it’s Facebook, a dating profile or Googling the ex’s name, says relationship expert and author John Gray, regularly keeping tabs online can be a red flag. Gray says: ‘If they spend too much time online following a former partner, you can feel neglected. Are you getting what you need from this person, especially if he spends two hours on Facebook after dinner? If not, Gray says, it’s time to speak up.
Frequent emails, phone calls, or online messages with a past love can negatively impact a current relationship. But it’s a matter of context, says Washington Post advice columnist Carolyn Hax.
If you have weekly emails and your partner is still fully invested in your current relationship, then that’s not a sign of anything. But if it’s weekly emails and your partner isn’t committed, then you have a legitimate concern, Hax says. Your partner may not have cut the cord
A new relationship is all about trust, Sherman says. If you disagree with your current partner’s contact with an ex, say so. Your partner and their ex should be willing to take a break from each other while you focus on what you have together. It doesn’t have to be a permanent break, but it is a respectful thing to do.
Talk about bad timing. During an orgasm, the mind is completely uninhibited, making it easier for someone else’s name to escape, Gray says. Those kinds of mistakes usually indicate unresolved feelings for an ex.
Looking at mementos from a relationship is part of the healing process. But, Sherman says, when the feelings have resolved, it’s time to let go of the memories. Your partner doesn’t have to leave the favorite sweatshirt and all those love letters on the doorstep. But they must be out of the daily range.
As for the photos on display, it’s one thing to have a group photo with a former partner on the wall. It is another to erect a shrine to that person or plaster the bedroom together with an exhibition of the glory days. You can gently and tactfully suggest keeping those beautiful frames and filling them with new memories of the two of you.
Beware of a partner who turns affection on and off. Gray says it could be a sign of inner turmoil. Your partner may be cold and withdrawn if he feels guilty for not giving the same kind of love in a previous relationship. Then passion can flare up again as your partner feels guilty for withdrawing from you.
One of the symptoms of not being ready to move on is the “I love you, but I’m not in love with you” conversation. Or, “I like you, but I still want to see others.” If a long-term relationship doesn’t go to the next level, the roadblock could be another person from the past.
“If anyone wonders, ‘Should I go back? Why didn’t it work?’ it can create a barrier to moving forward,” says Gray.
Having trouble maintaining an erection or achieving orgasm can be a symptom of an emotional hang-up, says Gray. The feeling of guilt can create a feeling of unworthiness and prevent a person from fully committing to a new partner.”
However, Gray emphasizes that many other factors can affect performance in the bedroom, such as depression, high estrogen levels, excess belly fat and substance abuse.
“Sometimes clients tell me, ‘I feel like something is wrong,’” Sherman says. It’s a good barometer, she says. If you think something just doesn’t feel right, it’s probably worth bringing it out into the open. It can lead to a discovery about your partner’s feelings for someone else.
And if you feel the need to snoop, chances are your relationship has trust issues, says Sherman. Try to determine the cause of the distrust and wait with the detective work.
As much heartache and headaches as it can cause, couples can survive if one partner is stuck in a previous failed relationship. But the longer you wait to say something, the more likely you are to resent the situation, Sherman says.
Start the dialogue with your hung-up sweetheart with a “collaborative” approach instead of pushing the other person away with angry words. Use phrases like, “I need your help” and “I need your reassurance” and “I love you and want to work with you on this” to get the ball rolling, says Sherman.
If you’re having trouble addressing the problem but think it’s really worth working on, it might be time to seek help from a relationship therapist.
If you want to maintain a healthy relationship with the love of your life, be careful not to jump on the jealousy train prematurely and make quick accusations. Without a larger context, there’s no reason to chase your partner with a “how dare you” attitude at every little suspicion.
“Extreme jealousy is worse than persistent feelings about someone else,” says Hax. “Often a hang-up is just feelings. But constantly looking for bad things is usually a deeper trust problem.”
