Dealing with your ex-spouse or partner can sometimes seem impossible. But if you have children, there will be special days when you need to be together. Birthdays, holidays, graduations, weddings, and other occasions will be better for everyone if the two of you agree.
Psychologist Shirley Thomas, author of Two Happy Families: A Working Guide for Parents and Stepparents After Divorce and Remarriage, says the first year after a divorce is always the hardest. “All the family members are grieving,” she says. “It’s inevitable.”
Younger children are especially vulnerable. Thomas says it may be best to stick to the family’s regular routine as much as possible during the first few holidays. “Little children won’t understand why things are different,” says Thomas.
She recommends that you spend a limited time together. “As you develop new patterns of celebration,” she says, “you want your child to realize that even though things are different, they can still be happy.”
Emotions – anger, sadness, bitterness – will inevitably run high during that first holiday. A good way to keep them under control is to make plans in advance and then stick to them. Thomas says that you should decide in advance how long you will stay, for example, and then leave at the agreed time.
“You will be vulnerable,” she says. So it will be important to avoid spontaneity.
Also consider avoiding alcohol, Thomas says. “There’s usually more drinking and more alcohol consumed around the holidays,” she says. “Limit how much you drink. Otherwise you may be less inclined to hold back.”
Once you’ve gotten through that first year, Thomas says, you can start coming up with new ways to celebrate birthdays, Thanksgiving and other events.
For some parents, being together always brings out the worst in one or both of them. If you fall into that category, a get-together could very well ruin the day for your kids.
Psychologist Philip M. Stahl, author of Parenting after divorce: Resolving conflicts and meeting your children’s needs, says: “Self-awareness is very important. Many parents have it, but too many parents don’t. . Some parents, for whatever reason, remain in deep conflict, and that’s not good for the kids.” If you and your ex can’t be in the same place with each other, Stahl says, it’s probably better that you don’t comes together…
If both you and your ex are attending an event, it’s crucial that your children see that you two get along. Thomas suggests viewing your ex as a colleague and treating him or her accordingly.
“It has to be a business relationship that you strive for,” she says. “Think about how you relate to a colleague. You are friendly, kind and validating. But you don’t cuddle and you aren’t intimate. Mothers and fathers who are divorced are not allowed to hug or kiss; that is not part of a business relationship.”
Stahl agrees. Even if you feel completely comfortable with your ex-partner, signs of intimacy can be misinterpreted by children.
“You have to be polite and warm when necessary,” he says. “Anything else would just confuse your children.”
Thomas says that simply smiling at each other, making eye contact and saying hello is enough to show the children that you can be polite to each other. After you’ve done the pleasantries, you can go to the other side of the room.
So, what do you do when you and your ex can’t bear to be together? Learn to take turns, Stahl says. For example, if Mom goes to this week’s Little League game, Dad goes to the next one.
“If you can take turns, you only have to be together at big events,” Stahl says.
For them, you may need to ask for help. If your child is celebrating a Bar or Bat Mitzvah or First Communion, Stahl recommends that you talk to the rabbi or priest about how you can both be part of the ceremony and avoid coming to blows.
And remember, just because you’re both present at your child’s celebration, you don’t have to sit together. Thomas even says that it is better for your children to see you separated but happy than together and miserable.
“For example, at a graduation ceremony it is good for the children to have to wave in one direction to mom and in the other to dad, so that they see happy faces on both sides,” says Thomas. “It reminds them that even though they have two houses, they have one family.”
