Every year Scott Boras holds court at the GM meetings. Sometimes it’s the winter meetings, sometimes it’s both. Since both gatherings are basically just conventions where no member of the media can actually attend any of the seminars or attend the meetings, Boras’ beat poetry, performed by a suburban father after one mai tais too many, is the main event for the baseball foursomes. This has become Boras’ Fashion Week, which he clearly plans to do all year round. And he’s definitely on the catwalk.
When you read all the terrible one-liners, it’s important to consider how long you think Boras practices each one in the mirror. And know that it is months. And then it is important to think about how many he tries them on his subordinates in the offices, which must be at least a few dozen. And how much do those people have to do to pretend they’re funny, or smart, or not something that would make any listener get a tickle in the back of their neck as they cringe? The effort to do that is nothing short of monumental, and for that reason alone you can be sure that everyone in their company is underpaid.
The last thing to remember as you sort through all of these is how hard he has to try to remember all of these as the questions are fired at him. Remember, he’s been waiting all year for this and he can’t mess it up. Or he has planted the questions in the media around him. Or… one of them is holding cue cards. This is all important background information.
With that in mind, here are the highlights, if you can call them that.
This works if you imagine Jed Hoyer as Homer Simpson after coming home from the all-you-can-eat BBQ.
Do you think Boras yells at his car while driving on 10? Sure, he does. Is he shouting in German? No less likely.
Does Scott Boras Know Every BTS Lyric? It can only be yes.
Yes, but we are in a time when polar bears are under great threat from climate change and are starving, which is comparable to the hidden conspiracy that the owners engaged in, and… you know what? I’m already tired. How does this man do this every year?
Wouldn’t that cause a plane to crash? Do we also want Boras to talk about Cohen’s big jet?
Can we do better? Let’s give it a try.
“People are looking for pitching a lot more this winter than I’ve seen lately, so I’m just Eddie Murphy at the end of winter. Trading places: FAST FAST FAST!”
“How many Hundred Lightning Kicks does it take to get into the middle of an MLB lineup? Junghoo Lee.”
You know what? This is actually quite difficult. More power to Boras.
Toronto Maple Leafs don’t play defense
Another big night for the Maple Leafs, who gave up a touchdown to the Ottawa Senators, including three in the third period. And this was their defensive effort:
A special note to John Klingberg on this goal, who is the first to fall on the first rush, completely fooled by Tim Stūtzle who goes with the futuristic move of “shifting the puck from his backhand to his forehand”, and then ends up higher in the defensive zone than all three of his attackers, while not tackling any opponent or blocking a passing lane.
That’s been his entire season, which anyone who watched Klingberg the past two seasons could have told the Leafs before they signed him.
Ryan Reaves also played nine minutes and had an expected goal share of 0. Literally, the Leafs didn’t create a single chance when he was on the ice.
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