Dear Quentin,
I have been in a relationship with this man for five years. I moved in with him a year ago. The plan was for me to pay for all utilities, dog expenses, and groceries. I cook and clean and take care of things around the house and now he’s asking me to pay half of his mortgage. He doesn’t want to marry me – or put me on the deed to his house.
I don’t think it’s right for me to help him pay off half his mortgage. What do I get out of this? We are both 51 years old. I have nothing to my name, no security, and I’m not sure it’s a wise thing to do. Can you please help me? I’m very confused on how to go about this. Some people say you should pay half, others say you should move. What should I do?
Feeling desperate
Related: My husband, 76, and my daughter, 26, don’t get along. How do I make sure he doesn’t disinherit her if I die first?
“It is better to find a place with roommates than to subject yourself to these kinds of humiliating arrangements.”
MarketWatch illustration
Dear Desperate,
Your friend has a live-in girlfriend and housekeeper.
There’s something strange about a relationship where one person does all the cooking and cleaning and pays all the bills in exchange for housing. How does this make you feel? That will give you your answer. You may rationalize your decision, but as a wise woman once told me, “Your mind lies through its teeth, but your body never lies.”
The bottom line: you can’t expect to live anywhere rent-free, and despite rising rents in the US, you’re better off finding a place with roommates than subjecting yourself to these types of demeaning arrangements. You’re not alone: More households are renting than at any time in the past 50 years, according to the Pew Research Center.
I dare add: your friend did you a favor. He has shown you who he is; anyone who is willing to let a partner cook and clean, and pay all the bills instead of the rent, should be avoided or viewed with skepticism. This seems like a series of micro-humiliations, culminating in his request to pay rent. It would have made sense to pay rent from the start.
However, he has given you valuable information. There will be no marriage and no commingling of assets, and honestly, that’s a wise decision if he doesn’t believe your relationship has long-term prospects. If the tables were turned and you were the homeowner, I would tell you the same thing. It’s time to value yourself more.
You can rent, you just don’t have to rent in your current home. The price gap between renting and buying has reached its widest point since 2000: It’s roughly 62% more expensive to buy rather than rent, according to a recent analysis by real estate technology platform Cadre, based on data from real estate information provider CoStar. Group CSGP,
the St. Louis Fed and Zillow.
The most important questions are about you and your financial future: Do you have any income that will allow you to buy your own home – when interest rates finally start to drop from 8% – or to rent? What did you do before you moved in with him? Can you start saving for an emergency fund or down payment? Is it worth sacrificing your self-worth for such an arrangement?
Renting is cheaper in most places. The average price of a home hovers at $348,539, according to Zillow Z.
The average asking rent has surpassed $2,000, according to separate data from Redfin RDFN,
The company estimates that the average monthly mortgage payment is approximately $2,866. Talk to friends and family. Everyone needs a support network to make big decisions.
You’ll feel less trapped if you don’t make this journey alone.
You can email The Moneyist with any financial and ethical questions at qfottrell@marketwatch.com, and follow Quentin Fottrell on X, the platform formerly known as Tweet.
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Previous columns by Quentin Fottrell:
My wife received a $1 million payout from her employer when she retired. Am I entitled to 50% of that if we divorce?
I am a 61 year old single librarian and “proud” Democrat from Maine. Should I move to Florida like Jeff Bezos?
I co-signed my friend’s mortgage, but I’m not on the deed. I didn’t want to get married again after a costly divorce. How do I protect myself?