My husband just told me that the company he works for is not doing well. He may not get the raise or bonus he was looking forward to next year. His base salary is $100,000, with a bonus of $20,000 to $30,000. That bonus was intended to pay off extensive home repairs completed this year, but can be paid next year with a 0% interest plan. He tells me not to worry, that he will think of something and find a new job. He is really great in this regard: responsible and confident, and he takes care of our family. We have some savings.
What worries me is his habit of spending money. For example, despite my objections, he bought two cars. Both car payments have a low interest rate, but he still has about $50,000 to pay off. We have two mortgages: we live in our house and rent out our apartment. The rent pretty much covers the mortgage and costs of the apartment, so it’s a wash.
We have different values about certain things. He wants new cars to drive around comfortably. I would have been happy with a second-hand car that gets us from A to B safely.
“‘He wants new cars to drive around comfortably. I would have been happy with a second-hand car that gets us safely from A to B.’”
We have two young children. They are at the age where we should be sending them to extracurricular classes or camps that they are interested in: science, sports, swimming or gymnastics. My husband always says the kids don’t need that, but he also doesn’t spend time learning to swim, ride a bike or hit a ball. This drives me crazy.
We don’t have a joint account and I have to ask him to pay for the children’s activities. He did give me a credit card to buy groceries and supplies for the kids. If the activity is not too expensive, I can put it on the menu.
By this time I think you can see that he has a bit of machismo, which is creepy, but at the same time I also see his love and responsibility towards his family.
““He gave me a credit card to buy groceries and supplies for the kids. If the activity is not too expensive, I can put it on the menu.’”
If he loses his job or does not find a new job with a comparable salary, we as a family will have to tighten our belts. We don’t go on holiday and I don’t buy new clothes or bags. My own personal expenses, not including food, are about $200 per month.
I could use my own savings of about $70,000 to send the kids to aftercare and summer camp, and I could find a job. I’ve tried to balance work and kids before, but felt overwhelmed by the constant interruptions and not having enough hours in the day to do good work, cook for my kids, take them to activities, etc.
What kind of work can I do? Or how can I better spend my remaining savings of €70,000? I’m thinking of putting $25,000 in a high-yield savings account and another $25,000 in a separate high-yield savings account. Would it be wise to use the remaining $20,000 for my further education so that I can enter a financially rewarding field? I’ve already contributed $6,000 to my IRA this year. Should I open a brokerage account and only pay taxes on the index funds I buy?
Wife & Mother
“What should you do? Talk and act.”
MarketWatch illustration
Dear wife and mother,
Your man likes to be in control.
Therefore, do not put your savings away for a longer period of time. Financial advisors typically recommend investment accounts with a five-year term. Keep your options open. To meet your needs, you need to clearly articulate them beyond his most recent financial decisions: his car purchases. Write down the five most important things you need. These could be, for example: 1. Joint decision-making. 2. Joint account. 3. Marriage counseling. 4. Further training. 5. Find a job. Have a five-point plan and, regardless of whether your husband expresses his support, pursue the last two goals of that plan—that is, the goals you can determine.
How much control should you have over family finances and how much financial independence do you want in life? The answer to the first question is 50% – because this is a partnership and you are not employed by your husband – and the answer to the second question is 100%. Your husband believes that he and only he has the right to make all decisions. You can make an argument of fairness and the fact that this has to be a partnership, but nothing will speak louder than having your own income. You won’t change your husband’s controlling nature overnight, if at all. It is up to you to initiate change yourself.
“Have a five-point plan and, regardless of whether your husband expresses his support, pursue the goals you can determine. ”
Keep saving and contributing to your IRA, and by all means, take advantage of the relatively high interest rates. As I told this letter writer, who had $50,000 to invest, CDs are investment vehicles that attract people looking for a safe haven for their money in an uncertain economic climate. Annual interest rates generally track the federal funds rate, which is currently between 5.25% and 5.5%. Financial institutions are competing for business, offering CD rates hovering around 5% and higher, double the highest rate twelve months ago. High-yield online savings accounts offer similar rates.
No matter what you say or do, he knows that ultimately he holds all the cards. You’re on an allowance, you don’t have a joint bank account, and he’ll spend money on cars and other activities instead of your kids’ extracurriculars as long as he can. It’s hard to say whether you have a happy or unhappy marriage, or a relationship full of conflict. What is clear: the rules have been established by one party and you are expected to adhere to them. Men are the sole breadwinners in 55% of marriages in the U.S., so your situation isn’t that unusual – although decision-making in some of those marriages may be more evenly distributed.
“Even as financial contributions in marriages have become more equal, the way couples divide their time between paid work and home life remains unbalanced,” according to the Pew Research Center. “Women take on a heavier burden when it comes to household chores and care responsibilities, while men spend more time on work and leisure. This applies to egalitarian marriages – where both spouses earn approximately the same amount of money – and to marriages where the woman is the main earner. The only type of marriage in which men spend more time caring than their wives is a marriage in which the woman is the sole breadwinner.”
“What kind of work do you have to do? Choose a field you like. The more you enjoy your work, the easier it will be to devote time to it.”
What should you do? Speak and act. That is, express what you think about what marriage means to you and what happiness and honesty look like. It may not change your husband’s opinion or make him want to spend more money on your children’s activities instead of his new cars, but it is important to make your voice heard. What kind of work do you have to do? Choose a field you like. The more you enjoy your work, the easier it will be to devote time to it. You won’t feel like you’re changing the world every day, but if you’re doing work that fulfills you, and you’re working with people you like, it certainly helps.
In any case, your husband is open about his own wants and needs and how they can even exist independently of those of others. I have received many letters in the same body of work as yours, although others have given me more cause for concern. Among them: the husband who wrote a secret will, the man who absconded and bought a house in another state and the husband who kept his income, savings account and post office box secret from his wife.
Ultimately you can’t change him. You can only change your own situation, and you have the means to do so. You can seek career advice from your local community college. Remember, change is unlikely to happen overnight. Sometimes all we have to do is take one action – no matter how small – that leads to another, and another.
Readers write to me with all kinds of dilemmas.
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