I’m getting married later this year. I make about $150,000 a year, and I have no debt. He makes $90,000 a year. So I clearly have more disposable income. I want to travel and buy nice things for the house (we live in his house and rented out mine). He also wants to travel, but he often does not have enough savings for that.
I don’t have children, and I don’t want children. My fiance has a 16 year old boy and pays child support. He has $15,000 in debt and in my opinion he is not managing his money very well. He constantly buys small things, such as clothes, and goes to concerts. He doesn’t mind adding to his credit card bill because he doesn’t want to miss anything. All those things add up.
““He’s never asked me to pay for anything, but when I offer, he accepts.””
Since I have the money, maybe I should pay for some of his expenses? I have a conflict. Should I pay some of his expenses so he doesn’t keep getting into debt? Should I just let him use his credit card since it doesn’t seem to bother him? He has never asked me to pay for anything, but when I offer, he accepts. We have separate bank accounts.
I helped him pay off some of his debts, but his debts don’t seem to go away. I want to be a good partner because I have the money, but he also needs to become a better money manager or things will never change. I thought about paying him more rent so he can have more money, but I decided he would just spend it on more things instead of paying off his debts.
Maybe it’s okay for two people in a couple to be in different financial situations. How can I help? Is it a bad idea to get married now? Has anyone else been in this situation?
Worried about his money
Dear concerned,
Imagine you both want to get fit for your wedding, but instead of going to the gym, you do a financial exercise routine. Even if you think he’s the one who needs a wake-up call, this is something you need to do together. No shame, no guilt. Just cold, hard facts.
It can also be an eye-opener for you to see what you are spending your money on. If your income far exceeds your expenses, your budget could provide a useful contrast effect. If he sees where you are having success, it can help him reorganize his priorities.
The answer to your two questions is no and no. First: No, don’t pay off his credit card debt. That makes you a facilitator rather than someone who can help him help himself. If the money is magically paid off, Pavlov’s dog will tell you that he will go back to the credit card fountain again and again.
“It is not your job to allow him to use his credit card or not. ”
Second: No, it is not your job to allow him to use his credit card or not. He needs to learn to control his own impulses and figure out why he likes to buy things. He needs a life partner, not a mother. You would be taking on the role of the latter if you were to give him spending rules.
One solution: Hire a financial planner to review your living situation and budget and create a five-year plan. Do you have joint accounts? Do you share the rent you receive from your own home? Do you live rent-free in his house? How often do you go out to eat? Do you save for holidays?
A financial therapist, meanwhile, can take on a slightly different role by looking at the emotions and psychology behind your spending. One person may grow up poor and save every penny but may not enjoy life enough, while another may be a binge shopper to alleviate insecurities or fears.
Take some practical steps
The clearest way to avoid putting more on your credit card than you can pay off each month is to write down your income in one column and your expenses in another. How many people wipe out their retirement savings with a credit card or Apple Wallet?
A cashless society is good for retailers and bad for consumers. According to this study from investing app Acorns, the average American spends about $92 per month, or $1,100 per year, on coffee. If you invested $92 every month from age 25, you would have $286,000 at retirement.
Good savings habits utilize the two C’s: composition and consistency. The former refers to the interest you make on interest, in addition to the $92 monthly deposit. The latter refers to automatic payments – which use digital tools to actually save you money instead of draining your account.
“Good savings use the two C’s: composition and consistency. ”
In the meantime, distinguish between “needs” and “wants,” maximize your 401(k) matches if you have a work-based retirement program, make sure you have an emergency fund to cover at least six months of expenses, a will , track your automatic payments and automate your savings.
The problem with asking friends for advice is that we all bring our own baggage. A friend who married a louse would be more likely to say, “Run!” Another person who has a happy, healthy marriage or a good relationship with himself or herself might say, “Talk to each other.”
The bottom line: If you have a mature, responsible conversation about money management today, you can have more of these conversations together over the course of your lives. It will provide a blueprint not only for your finances, but also for your ability to maintain a strong, healthy marriage.
Whatever you decide to do, do it together.
“A cashless society is good for retailers and bad for consumers.”
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