Although she didn’t yet know the term “toxic,” Rashawnda James knew something was wrong with her relationship with her mother when she was just 13 years old. “I realized that in the conversations at school they talked as if their parents were around a lot,” she says.
James says this wasn’t true for her parents, who were addicted to crack cocaine. “There were times when I had to look for my mother because I didn’t know where she was,” says James. “I felt responsible for my mother. Once I made that connection, I knew it was unhealthy.”
Signs that you may have a toxic parent include:
- They are self-centered. They don’t think about your needs or feelings.
- They are emotional loose cannons. They overreact or create drama.
- They share too much. They share inappropriate information with you, such as details about their intimate lives. They use you as their main source of emotional support.
- They seek control. They can use guilt and money to get you to do what they want.
- They are sharply critical. Nothing you do is ever good enough. They do not respect your good qualities or achievements.
- They lack boundaries. They can show up at your home uninvited or attack your life choices.
Now an Atlanta-based licensed therapist, author and self-care expert, James can call out her mother’s toxic behavior. These include manipulation and gaslighting, a technique that makes you doubt your ability to tell what is true or what is really happening. “As a child I couldn’t avoid my mother. I couldn’t set boundaries,” says James. “The lines were blurred. There was no filter.”
However, her mother managed to involve James in positive activities. “That became my safe haven,” says James. She excelled in athletics. One organization offered free therapy when she was in 12th grade. “It literally changed my life,” she says. That same counselor became her supervisor years later when James decided to become a therapist.
“As adults, we have choices that we didn’t have as children, and we are not obligated to always do what our parents want,” says Sharon Martin, a licensed clinical social worker in San Jose, CA. She is the author of The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism And The workbook for better boundaries.
If you were raised to respect your parents, obey your parents, and please them at all costs, setting boundaries may seem strange. Martin encourages her clients to challenge that mentality. “Think of your parents’ inability to love, accept, and appreciate that it is not your fault and has nothing to do with your shortcomings.
“For example, consider whether you think it’s wrong to set boundaries, ask to be treated with respect, prioritize the needs of you or your immediate family over those of your parents, or limit the amount of time you spend with your parents spends,” she says. “Would you tell a good friend that he is wrong if he does these things in response to yelling, manipulation, lying, harsh criticism, smear campaigns, or threats?”
A big aha moment for James was realizing that she couldn’t be the reason her mother stopped using drugs. “I became the golden child. I thought if I did it right, maybe she would stay clean. When I graduate from high school… college….” And so on.
“I had to start living my life and let it go,” she says.
“It’s normal to want to please your parents, regardless of your age,” says Martin. “But be realistic about whether it is possible and what your efforts will cost you emotionally, physically, mentally, financially and spiritually.”
“The most damaging thing you can do to yourself is believe you can solve them,” James agrees. “If you know that, you don’t have to stay there and take what they give you. You can choose yourself. It gives you freedom when you don’t have to fix something.”
Fifteen years later, James’ mother is clean. The two live 22 minutes apart and talk about twice a day, although they did take a two-year break. James emphasizes that even though she chooses to continue the relationship with her mother, you have to do what’s best for you.
“It took me 10 years to enforce the borders,” James says. “I say, ‘No, Mom. I can’t give you money.’ “No mom, I can’t be this for you.” “I can’t go where those people make me feel uncomfortable, but you are free to come here.”
“Just because she’s my mother, her priorities don’t have to outweigh mine,” she adds.
It helps that her mother has become more self-aware over time and can sometimes trap herself in old patterns.
Give a short, business-like answer to questions about why you don’t contact your parents, for example, “I don’t talk to my parents because they are emotionally abusive.” This can help you remember why you set boundaries, even if others don’t understand.
“When others judge or criticize your decision to limit contact with your parents or set different boundaries, it’s usually because they assume you have emotionally healthy parents who treat you with respect,” says Martin. ‘But you limit contact because your parents treat you badly. And your parents don’t get a free pass to abuse you simply because they are your parents.”
But you still don’t owe anyone a reason, Martin adds. “You have the right to say, ‘I don’t want to talk about it.’”
Children of toxic parents may not be used to taking care of themselves, Martin says. “Use a mantra like, ‘Self-care is not selfish,’ or ‘My needs are important,’ or ‘I am an adult and have the right to make my own choices.'”
James plans a self-care activity, such as journaling or exercising, after spending time with her mother. “I like writing a diary. It’s a great way to have an internal dialogue, to release my thoughts. I don’t keep my thoughts inside and burden myself with them,” she says. She also enjoys dance workouts to Miami music, as Florida is her home state.
Listening to gospel music is another way she stays grounded. It helps me realize that my struggle is not just my burden, she says. “It’s a good reminder that my mother is not my responsibility. God can do more than what I could ever do for her.”
“A support system is essential,” says Martin. She suggests support groups, or individual therapy with someone dealing with narcissistic abuse, developmental trauma, or codependency.
To find a therapist, call your insurance company or go online for a list of providers. If you don’t have insurance, affordable online options include Telehealth and BetterHelp.
“At a young age I saw what life was, and I promised myself I wouldn’t repeat that cycle,” James says. “I didn’t have the road map or the blueprint, but since 12th grade I have been given the tools to live in a healthier and more positive way.”
She raises her three children with this in mind. For example, she doesn’t share too much, like her own mother did. “I really try to maintain their innocence as much as possible,” she says. “I don’t burden my children with other people’s problems. I show them my emotions because I want them to know the full spectrum.
‘I follow the principle that my limits of happiness do not lie in others, places or things. I can be anywhere, I can have everything and still find joy. That’s one of my superpowers!”