The lights are low. A fire is smoldering in the fireplace. On the bedside table are two wine glasses, half empty. Your clothes are in a pile on the floor. You reach for each other. The two of you tumble towards the bed, and…
Blah.
No explosions of passion. No light-hearted expressions of desire. No tumultuous climax. Then you wonder: How can everyone in movies and novels have fiery, combustible sex when you and your partner barely create a spark?
Sexologist Logan Levkoff, author of the eBook How to get your wife to have sex with you, says, “TV shows and movies give us a very skewed idea of what sex should be like. Everyone seems to be climaxing and having orgasms all the time, no matter what they do. If you grow up on a diet of it, and if your real life doesn’t match, you think, “There’s something wrong with me,” or, “There’s something wrong with my partner.”
Sex in real life can almost never match the passion depicted on screen, says sex therapist Isadora Alman. “People don’t talk about the fact that it’s likely that you’ll pass gas in a strange position or that the love of your life will hold you in his arms and get bad breath.”
Sex in the real world isn’t perfect and doesn’t always end with an earth-shattering climax, but it doesn’t have to, says Levkoff. “Good sex doesn’t necessarily have to be about an orgasm. It can simply be an emotionally satisfying experience between partners.”
Even if everything else in the relationship works, sexual styles are not always compatible. You enjoy long foreplay sessions. Your partner will be ready to go in no time. You long for wet, sensual kisses. They prefer dry, chaste cocks. “Sex is not just perfect by nature,” says Alman. “There is the energy of a new relationship that is positive: the excitement, the enthusiasm and the passion. And the negative is that you bump noses or bump knees because you just haven’t learned how to dance together yet.”
But even long-term couples can have a hard time in the bedroom. While we can easily tell our partner what shirt we want him or her to wear, or what we want to cook together for dinner, we tend to be tongue-tied when it comes to sex.
“People are often very sensitive when it comes to talking about sex,” says relationship and family therapist Rachel Sussman. “They’re afraid of hurting their partner’s feelings, so they don’t tell you what they like or don’t like. But you won’t get it unless you ask.”
So how do you tell your partner what you want without hurting his ego? “I think it really depends on how you bring up the statement,” Levkoff says. “‘I’d love it if we…’ or, ‘Can we try this?’ You don’t want to make them feel bad about what they did or didn’t do.”
You can have the conversation where and when it suits you best. But before you talk, you need to know exactly what’s bothering you in your sex life. Is it a matter of technology? Personal hygiene? Time? “Once you know what doesn’t work for you,” Alman says, “there are things you can suggest that can alleviate those conditions.”
For example, if something about your partner’s smell turns you off, suggest taking a bath together before making love. If you desire more foreplay, ask for slower transitions into sex.
Before you can tell your partner what you want him to do in bed, you need to know what you like. “I think women especially need to explore their own bodies,” says Sussman. “You need to masturbate. Buy a vibrator. Buy some books. Teach yourself how to have an orgasm.”
After you’ve tried talking and sex still isn’t working, what next?
“Experiment together,” says Sussman. “Get to know each other’s bodies.”
Try some sex aids. Read books with pictures (such as The joy of sex), or watch an educational video together, says Alman. No porn, but explicit videos in which a voice-over explains what happens in the scenes.
Sometimes the problem is physical, such as premature ejaculation. Or it could be that the stress of work spills over into the bedroom and disrupts your sex life. In those cases it can help to see a sexologist. “We unravel why you two don’t get along,” Alman says. “And then we try to fix that.”
If you’re still unsatisfied, is it okay to pretend in bed?
“If you pretend, you’re doing yourself a disservice because you’re not learning what really turns you on,” says Sussman. “I think it takes its toll in the end. Your partner will realize you’re disconnected.’
Can sex ever be so bad that you think about ending a relationship? Possibly. “You may really love someone and the sex will never be better than okay. You have to decide if you can live with that,” says Alman.
When considering a breakup or divorce, you need to weigh every element of the relationship and not just gender. “You can’t have everything in life,” Sussman says. “If you’re in a great relationship, love each other and have kids, but the sex isn’t great, then maybe you can live with that.”
Sussman says every couple has the potential to have great sex, if you’re willing to put in a little effort. “If you’re two emotionally and physically healthy people, you should be able to work with what you have. Not everyone needs to hang from the chandelier,” says Sussman. “You can get better. But you have to practice, and you have to be open to talking about it and getting help when you need it.”