Pregnancy should be a blissful time when women beam in the joyful anticipation of their new arrival. At least, that’s what we want to believe from movies and TV shows. For many expectant mothers, those 9 months are anything but idyllic.
We asked a group of mothers what they didn’t like about pregnancy, and what got them through the most difficult times.
My first pregnancy wasn’t that bad overall – there were some annoyances, but overall it went well. The second time was very different. During the first trimester I was nauseous 24/7. And unlike my first pregnancy, I couldn’t rest. (You can’t sit much when you’re chasing a two-year-old.) So I was constantly exhausted. I also had pain due to loose hip and pelvic joints, which kept me from getting comfortable. In addition to the constant physical pain, my mental health took a nosedive. The baby kicks were sweet and I was excited to meet my new little one. But I was more than ready to be done with the pregnancy part.
What helped: I tried ginger and seasickness bracelets for the nausea, but they didn’t help me much. What made the most difference was sleeping as much as possible and eating consistently. Carbs were about the only thing left in, so I lived with a bag of chips and a jar of chocolate peanut butter by my side. Physical therapy helped some with the joint pain, and I also started counseling.
What made the biggest impact was simple: asking for (and accepting) help. Trying to be superwoman failed. The most relief came when I allowed my wonderful husband, family, and friends to come near me and support me.
Being pregnant was one of the hardest things I’ve done, but I wouldn’t trade the results for anything in the world.
–Stephanie Irragi, Durham, NC
During my first pregnancy, I had pretty mundane symptoms: a bit of morning sickness in the first trimester and fatigue in the third trimester. When my second pregnancy was anything but normal, I was overwhelmed.
I did fine for the first 4 weeks. Then morning sickness struck. I had an aversion to any kind of food, even water. I would throw up water. I lost weight during my first trimester. Then I got to the second trimester and I got even sicker. I threw up every day, at any time of the day. None of the anti-nausea medications I tried worked. I ended up having to be hospitalized to receive IV nutrients.
I also think I was depressed because I spent so much time alone at home. My husband worked and my son was in school.
What helped: Luckily, there were two other moms in my church group who were also pregnant, so we really bonded. I was able to communicate with them about my experiences and they visited me regularly. I had a friend who, like me, had hyperemesis [severe nausea] during her pregnancy. She was a great help and resource.
I thought, “I hate being pregnant” several times during that pregnancy. That’s why I don’t want any more children. The risk of this happening again is enough for me to say, “I think I’m done.”
— Crystal Martin, Phoenix, AZ
As an only child, my only experience with babies was when acquaintances handed their babies over to me. Inevitably, every baby I held cried in my arms. I assumed I was bad with kids.
My husband wanted to have children, but I wasn’t so sure. I was focused on my career.
When I found out I was pregnant, I was terrified. I thought, “What if I don’t love this baby? What if I’m a bad parent?”
It didn’t help that I had extreme nausea during my pregnancy. They call it ‘morning sickness’, but I was sick all day. I lost 10 pounds before I ever started gaining weight.
The fear of motherhood did not cease. It was there until the birth. When the nurse told me it was time to push, I exclaimed, “I can’t have a baby, I don’t like babies!” But when my daughter was born, I fell in love.
What helped: I got used to being a new mother and was surprised by how much I enjoyed it – so much so that I now have four children. Knowing how much I loved my first child made it easier. I learned how to manage my pregnancy sickness (eating protein instead of just carbs helped) and I got therapy to help with anxiety.
I now have two beautiful girls and two beautiful boys, and I am so happy with our family.
–Samantha Radford, Altoona, PA
I was happy with the idea of being pregnant. I just didn’t like being pregnant. As soon as I found out I was pregnant, it was almost like I had an alien life form inside me. I didn’t feel like myself.
Then the morning sickness started, and it wasn’t just in the morning. I felt sick from the moment I woke up to the moment I went to bed. For five weeks I could only eat saltine crackers and chicken broth. Everything else turned my stomach. Once I got into my second trimester, I felt uncomfortable all the time. My body felt full.
There are so many expectations about becoming a parent, especially a mother. You should be happy. You’re supposed to be a perfect expectant parent. I have never felt as radiant, excited, or elated as the pregnant women in books and movies. I thought there was something wrong with me because I didn’t have those feelings.
At some point I finally accepted that what I was feeling wouldn’t last forever. Things would turn out fine, and the outcome would be this healthy baby. I think if more of us were willing to say, “Pregnancy isn’t always a great experience,” it would become less challenging for other new moms to feel the way I do.
— Krista Vollack-Bubp, Wichita, KS
I’ve always wanted children, but I’ve never wanted to get pregnant. After my wife tried fertility treatments and didn’t get pregnant, I volunteered to do it as a team player. When I got the pregnancy test results, to tell you I was in denial is an understatement. When my wife and I realized my water had broken, my doctor told us to go to the hospital (four weeks early) and I stayed in the shower for almost an hour. In the middle of the birth I wanted to go home. My mind just couldn’t comprehend the fact that I was having a baby.
The weight gain during pregnancy was very difficult for me. When I was in the military, I trained twice a day. I was in great shape. When I looked at myself when I was pregnant, it felt like I was looking at a stranger. I didn’t recognize myself. I have maybe five photos from my entire pregnancy because I didn’t look like myself.
My hips were already tight when I got pregnant from lifting weights, and my baby was so low that all that extra weight was right on my hips. Around my fifth month, I could no longer sleep in our bed because I couldn’t climb into it. I had to sleep on the couch. That took an emotional toll on me because my wife was the only person I had, and I couldn’t be with her.
I also suffered from constant nausea during my pregnancy. I never threw up, but I was always nauseous.
What helped: My wife is half Korean and uses a lot of ginger in her cooking. I drank about four cups of ginger tea a day. That helped a lot, but it never completely went away. Walking also made me feel better during that time. I walked three or four times a day, and twice before going to bed.
Looking back, I regret that I didn’t enjoy my pregnancy. I still feel guilty, but now I can say without a doubt that my son is one of the best things that could have happened to me. He is great. Now that I have it, I look back and feel like it was totally worth it.
— Corritta Lewis, Playa del Carmen, Mexico
I knew in my thirties that I wanted to have a child, but I got caught up in my work. When I was forty, I finally decided it was time to try for a baby of my own. What I thought would be an easy journey turned out to be the opposite.
I started intrauterine insemination (IUI). I got pregnant, but lost the baby. It took multiple attempts at IUI and in vitro fertilization (IVF), four pregnancy losses, a switch to donor eggs, and 4½ years before I became pregnant with twins.
My pregnancy was anything but easy. In my first trimester I had a subchorionic hemorrhage. That’s like a giant blood clot in the uterus. I was bleeding a lot, which was extremely stressful. For weeks I lived in fear that I would lose my babies.
Twin A’s waters broke at 18 weeks of pregnancy. I had bed rest at home for 7 weeks and then in the hospital for 8 weeks. My doctors and other healthcare providers at the hospital wanted me to terminate Twin A to give his sister a chance. I was shocked. Not because they gave me the option to quit, but because they pressured me to do it. I said, “No, I’m keeping the baby.” I was really angry and frustrated.
My friends and family were there to support me during those difficult weeks, which helped. I also received support from my gynecologist and midwifery team. I did acupuncture to deal with my anxiety. And I created a safe mental space for myself where I wasn’t overly excited about the pregnancy, but was still hopeful and optimistic for a happy ending.
The twins were born at 32 weeks – 2 months prematurely. My daughter needed to eat and grow normally, but my son had to spend two months in the NICU because his lungs were underdeveloped. I couldn’t hold him for the first ten days of his life.
My twins are now 2 and healthy. I don’t regret having them at all, even though I never want to get pregnant again. The whole experience made me realize that just because you’re pregnant doesn’t mean you’ll have an easy time.
I think there is a perception that pregnancy is a wonderful time when expectant mothers can bond with their babies. That was not my experience.
I was hungover for the first three months of my pregnancies. I was dizzy, tired, constantly hungry and irritable.
I developed gestational diabetes during two of my pregnancies. If I don’t eat for too long I get dizzy. And if I didn’t eat the right combination of foods, my blood sugar levels would spike and I would feel out of breath. I had to give myself insulin injections, exercise, and eat right, which added another layer of stress to my pregnancies.
One of the few things I appreciated about being pregnant was that it allowed me to eat more sweets and not be so hyper-focused on my diet. With gestational diabetes I had to watch every bite. I made sure I didn’t eat too many carbs, got enough protein and ate lots of fruits and vegetables. It’s probably the way I should be eating, but when I had no choice, it felt more restrictive.
Sleeping was another problem. In the beginning of my pregnancy I slept a lot. That changed as my belly grew. The bigger I got, the more I tossed and turned at night. The lack of sleep affected my mood, my diet, and my ability to stay motivated. Since I wasn’t sleeping well at night, I gave myself permission to rest after work and sleep when I could, so it wasn’t an ongoing frustration.
I have four children, so my difficult pregnancies obviously haven’t stopped me from getting pregnant again. I discovered the importance of cognitive restructuring, knowing that pregnancy doesn’t last forever. It’s only a short time. When I met my children, I never regretted the nine months it took to get them all here.