Women today have been told that we have it all: careers, families, children, community involvement and relationships. But when we have all this, we all too often have no time or strength for ourselves.
Recent research has shown that women today are less happy than they have been over the past forty years. There are many theories as to why, but lack of free time may be a major reason.
“There is an enormous amount of stress and pressure placed on women: being parents, being daughters, mothers, wives, professionals. All these roles together mean that many of us do not take care of ourselves enough – which keeps us going and gives us the energy to take care of all these other responsibilities that we have,” says Randy Kamen Gredinger, a Wayland, MA, psychologist and life coach specializing in women’s issues.
Whether you’re wrangling toddlers, sleeplessly waiting for your teen to come home, caring for your elderly parents — or all of the above — every woman needs a break every now and then to stay sane. This means taking the time every day to do something for yourself.
But how can you make it happen?
First realize how important it is.
“I’ve been talking to women about this for years, and it seems like we have a hard time even feeling like we’re worthy of being on our own priority list,” says Amy Tiemann, author of Mojo Mom: Take care of yourself while raising a family and founder of Mojomom.com.
“If you can’t do it because you feel like you deserve it, look at it this way: you’re a first responder. An emergency can happen at any time, and you need to be as rested and recovered as you would want.” I want your ER doc or EMT to be,” says Tiemann. “Plus, taking care of yourself will make you a better parent and partner. You’ll be more fun to be around and more responsive to your family.”
Okay, so you’re convinced. It’s time to take the time for you. When can you fit it in? Don’t wait for time to magically appear. That will not happen.
Make your free time as important as the pediatrician’s visit, the conference call, and your meeting with the contractor. Treat it like any other appointment.
“You have to build in battery charging time,” says Margaret Moore, co-director of the Institute of Coaching at McLean Hospital/Harvard Medical School. “We are very good at project management in our work, but not so good in our personal lives. Treat it like any project: I want to recharge my batteries so I don’t feel so exhausted and drained.”
Try to find at least half an hour to an hour for you every day. It doesn’t have to be all at once. And before you decide what to do with the time you build into your schedule, promise yourself that you won’t waste it.
“We’re a multitasking society. When we have a conversation with a friend, we think about the other things we need to do,” says Allison Cohen, a marriage and family therapist in Los Angeles. “Instead, you need to be present in the moment. Whatever you do in front of you, don’t think about your shopping list or the PowerPoint presentation. There is a lot of time in our day that we could be enjoying, but we are losing because we are focused are on what we need to do now.”
You don’t need much time either. Here are ideas for making the most of even 5 minutes of “me” time.
- Sit on the veranda with a cup of coffee and the newspaper. Or a cup of coffee and No newspaper. Just watch the clouds go by. No phone or agenda allowed.
- Call a friend to chat. This doesn’t mean you have to plan the bake sale or organize the neighborhood watch; just talk, without agenda.
- Movement. Get up from your desk, stretch, and walk around the block or up and down stairs.
- Take a deep breath. While you are in the office, in the car, or at home, concentrate on breathing slowly and calmly for 5 minutes. It’s okay if your mind wanders a little, but don’t start planning what to do next; just follow your breathing.
- Pet your pet. Focus on cuddling with your cat or dog for 5 minutes. You will both feel better.
- Put on your iPod and press shuffle. Then just sit and listen.
- Read a chapter of a book you wanted to make time for. Keep a basket in your office or living room with a good book, magazine, crossword or other short escape.
- Find a nearby park and take a brisk walk.
- Goldfinch. This doesn’t mean you have to clean the house or organize your children’s clothes. Instead, it means doing little things you enjoy at home, like pruning the rose bush and putting together a bouquet for your office or kitchen.
- Enjoy the bath. If you’re a parent, make sure there is another adult on duty so no one shouts “Mom!” shouts. Plan it so you have some great bath supplies on hand. Don’t forget a glass of ice water or wine.
- Get a massage, facial or mani-pedi.
- Take a nap.
- Plan a class you’ve always wanted to take, just for fun. For example, Amy Tiemann took an improv comedy class to have an evening to herself after her daughter was born.
- Plan a long walk with a friend. Commit to it early in the week and keep your promise. You don’t train for anything, you don’t try to race, you just take a long walk with a good friend and enjoy the day.
Add your own favorites to these lists. Whatever you choose to do with your “me” time, make sure it is relaxing and restorative.
“If you feel like it’s not working for you, try something else,” says Moore. “‘Should’ are the enemy of relaxation. Don’t think about what you should do, think about what makes you flourish.”