Families are confronted almost from the start with forces that can tear them apart. When a family begins to mature, that potential loss of connection, that sense that something is changing, is difficult to face.
And it makes communication even more important.
“This idea of feeling connected becomes very empowering for all of us, and it contributes to happiness, it contributes to mental health and it also contributes to physical health,” says John Northman, a psychologist from Buffalo, NY.
“It is well known that when people feel better connected, they feel better physically, they are certainly less likely to feel depressed – or if they do, they are in a better position to get out of their depression .
“Overall, it leads to a feeling of a greater degree of psychological support and connection,” he said.
The research on the importance of communication in families is strong and varied.
In the Handbook of Family Communication, writes editor Anita Vangelisti, professor at the University of Texas, “Communication is what creates families. When family members communicate, they do more than just send messages to each other; they create their relationships.”
An article in the news Military medicine says that communication in families can go both ways. It says deployed soldiers can get a big dose of positivity from talking to people back home, but in some cases that contact can have a negative impact.
It all comes down to this: Good communication with the family is important because we most often go to families for support, says Vangelisti. When families don’t communicate, support systems can fall apart.
Help for family members can take many different forms, Vangelisti says, including:
Emotional support: “Making us feel better, sharing happy moments together,” she says.
Appreciation support: “Making us feel good about ourselves, validating when we are doing well, helping when we are not doing so well.”
Network support: “That feeling of connection. That is very important with families, so you have a kind of home base, a place where you feel accepted and where you belong, no matter what.”
Informational support: How to do things that might have been done by others in a different family situation.
Tangible support: Things like financial support and care packages from home.
Once you know it’s important for your family to communicate, you need to figure out how. Even now that everyone has a cell phone at hand, it can be difficult to maintain the connection.
Haven’t heard from a family member in a while? Can’t find time to call back home? Emails are great tools… except when they’re not.
“Emails are known to cause misunderstandings, because of the speed and thoughtlessness with which people generate them,” says Arthur Bodin, a psychologist and former president of the American Psychological Association.
They can be easily misunderstood because the tone is often missing.
“It makes for poor emotional communication,” Bodin says.
Likewise, text messages or tweets (even phone calls) can miss the signals you get only with a visual connection. Anyone who has ever used Skype or FaceTime knows that these forms of communication are not always the best way.
Still, something is better than nothing, Vangelisti emphasizes.
“What most communications people would emphasize,” she says, “is that it’s not so much about the channel, it’s about how that channel is handled.”
When a child is out of school or a parent is separated from the family, it is sometimes difficult to figure out who makes the first step in communication.
“If someone doesn’t take that risk and reach out,” Vangelisti says, “it’s not going to happen.”
Some psychologists warn against demanding communication.
“Call me every Friday night” may not only be impossible, it can also be counterproductive for someone trying to gain a foothold in a new situation. Demands don’t work in such situations, says Bodin. Understand.
“First of all, you’re not calling them every night or on a set schedule,” says Bodin, speaking specifically about a parent with a child not in college. ‘You don’t make them feel guilty if they don’t want to call their mother or father.
“You know they have a life of their own. You don’t try to micromanage them there.”
Still, family members who want connection can find a way.
- Ask, not demand, a phone call or email.
- Send a card or a short email.
- Leave a message or send a text without asking or expecting to get one in return.
Every conversation or letter does not have to be in depth. You can talk about dogs, the weather, or your health, the neighbors who used to live next door, or your new neighbors. Talking about the last crazy thing Aunt Edna said might just strengthen your bond.
“People often want these conversations to be deep, meaningful and impactful,” says Vangelisti. “By making them boring and routine, I think that’s also something we forget.
“All that boring stuff, that’s actually what our relationships and our lives are made of. Making these part of our remote conversations allows us to stay in touch in a very important way.”
Psychologist David Olson came up with something called the Circumplex Model of Marital & Family Systems to help examine and treat families.
It analyzes three aspects of marriage and family systems:
- Togetherness
- Flexibility
- Communication
It suggests that these things are crucial for successful family communication:
- Listening skills
- Fluency
- Self-disclosure
- Brightness
- Follow continuity
- Respect and esteem
Psychologists speak of ‘families of orientation’ and ‘families of reproduction’. In other words: the family you were born into and the family you create.
Communication plays an important role in keeping them both intact due to the stress of the transition.
“Their physical well-being will be somewhat compromised under stress. Their body is in a stressful state,” says Vangelisti. “So having that communication and that relationship can be really important. We simply underestimate that.”
The good news is that families, even those in transition, have one big advantage when it comes to the ability to stay connected.
They are family.
“You have a lot of history and you have the family ties that have been there ever since [childhood],” says Noordman. ‘Despite the… we have to say: ‘accidents?’ – that occur gradually, in adolescence and in adulthood, you have those bonds that maintain the connection. That’s where families can be particularly strong.”