Masturbation is a very natural and healthy part of childhood. And it can start at an earlier age than you might think.
“It’s the beginning of a lifelong learning experience about their bodies and later about sex and sexuality,” says David Swanson, PsyD, a child and family psychologist working in Los Angeles.
and author of HELP — My Child Is Driving Me Crazy: The 17 Ways Kids Manipulate Their Parents, and What You Can Do About It.
Young children mainly touch themselves for two reasons. The first is for fun. “In the early stages, starting between ages 3 and 5, children explore their bodies. They learn what feels good, and they will continue to touch themselves,” Swanson explains. The second reason is for stress reduction and relaxation.
Around the age of 10, masturbation becomes purposeful. Boys in particular are trying to reach the point of orgasm, and around age 11 or 12 they may start looking for pornographic material. “Parents need to be careful about what children have access to online,” Swanson says.
What should you do if you notice your child touching himself? Keep in mind that comments matter. When adults get angry or tell their children that masturbating is wrong, it creates a lot of tension, Swanson says. “You want to teach kids that it’s okay to explore their bodies.”
When faced with your child’s sexual exploration, Swanson has these tips for approaching the conversation.
Cooling down. Charged parental responses to masturbation often cause shame. Leave the room if you are upset and then come back to calmly address the behavior.
Own company. Young children need to learn when and where it is acceptable to masturbate. Tell them, ‘You are now learning about your body. It’s nothing to be ashamed of; it is normal. But I insist you do it in private.” By the age of 6, children should be clear on this point.
Perfect picture. Distract your preteen from sexual images of adults, which can negatively impact the way they view other people. Say, “I understand you’re curious and want to learn, so we can buy a book about sex.” Then, purchase one that is age-appropriate and, after your child has read it, answer any questions that come up.