Good friends are good for you.
“Good friends bring so many colors of happiness into your life by relieving stress, providing comfort, and eliminating loneliness,” says Amber O’Brien, PsyD, a psychologist at the Mango Clinic in Miami.
Healthy friendships are also linked to better cardiovascular health, lower blood pressure, less depression and longer life. So it never hurts to try to make new friends.
Mahesh Grossman, a 62-year-old hypnotherapist and owner of Berkeley Hypnosis in Berkeley, CA, has made many friends over the years by joining peer-guided meditation groups, 12-step groups, and church groups.
“Everyone goes out to eat after the meeting. I get to know them a little in the restaurant. Then I do my best to have one-on-one meals with multiple members within the first few months,” says Grossman. “This ultimately leads to friendship with some of those people and more comfort for the group as a whole.”
You can find new friends if you:
Join a group or club. Find a local group where people with interests like yours meet regularly. Try a book club, religious group, parent meeting, music group, or cycling group. “The key is to fish in the right pond,” says Grossman.
Take a class. Sign up for a class at your local college, senior center or gym. Learn Italian, dance or a new card game. If the topic interests you, you will likely find people who share your passion.
Look local. You might be surprised at how many events are happening in your community. Check your local newspaper or the message boards in your community. Go online for neighborhood lists. Search for the name of your city plus the words “social network” or “meetups.”
Volunteer. People who work together often form strong connections. Meet people by volunteering at a community centre, charity group, hospital, museum or place of worship.
Join a social circle. One of the easiest ways to meet people is to surround yourself with people who have a large group of friends themselves, says O’Brien. “You may already have people in your life who have a lot of friends,” she says. Join them when they invite you. Ask for introductions. Take the first step and start a conversation with someone new.
It may seem easier to make friends online because you can find people who have similar interests all over the world. If you’re an introvert, online friendships can feel more comfortable.
But if you live in different areas, you can’t easily meet or hang out in person. And online friendships can become unbalanced, with one person having a stronger emotional bond than the other.
“Making new friends online is cool and fascinating, but it can also be challenging,” says O’Brien. Try to set healthy boundaries to avoid problems.
Friendships take time, but you can take steps to initiate a relationship and maintain a connection.
Say yes. When you are invited to a meeting or event, you accept the invitation. Return the favor by inviting them somewhere. Extend your own invitations and ask a friend or acquaintance to come for coffee or lunch.
Taking the initiative. “You don’t have to wait for someone to contact you and take the first step. Instead, become a gentle initiator, even if you’re an introvert,” says O’Brien.
Start the conversation. If you’re with someone you want to get to know better, start a conversation. “Share something about yourself,” says O’Brien. ‘Let them also talk about themselves.’
To show interest. Even if you’re just meeting someone, you can make them feel comfortable by asking the right questions and listening carefully. Ask open questions. Encourage them to open up by saying things like, “Tell me more.”
Smile. Make eye contact and smile. “Smiling while maintaining good eye contact will have a positive effect on the other person,” says O’Brien. They will feel more comfortable and interested in the conversation.
Part. As you get to know each other better, try sharing small but more personal things about yourselves. “If you’re open with them, it gives them permission to be open with you,” Grossman says. But don’t go overboard. Take it step by step.
Do a small favor. Small acts of kindness often lead to intimacy and connection. It doesn’t have to be big or obvious; just a small gesture creates a feeling of good atmosphere.
Keep going. When you meet someone, exchange numbers. Call or message them later. Ask if they want to get back together. “Staying in touch is critical,” says O’Brien.
Avoid these common missteps:
Don’t change who you are. Don’t act different just to fit in. “Always be yourself, truly and honestly,” says O’Brien.
Don’t brag. Boasting gives people a negative impression and can be a turn-off.
Don’t be too aggressive. If you come across as too strong, people may turn away. Make yourself comfortable with friendly conversations before suggesting meeting for coffee or a run.
Don’t expect results right away. “It takes time to create a strong bond between two people,” says O’Brien. “Do your best, but keep your expectations low.” Research shows that it can take 10 to 15 conversations before you feel like friends.
Signs of a new friendship include:
- The other person takes the initiative and calls or sends you a message.
- You feel comfortable and natural with them.
- You don’t hesitate to share or do something in front of them.
- You respond to them with empathy, and they do the same to you.
“First, there is the phase where they do something to show that they appreciate your connection. They start texting you or inviting you to something,” Grossman says. Eventually you become hangout friends. And then over time you have regular contact and you feel like real friends.